i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
