I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
