I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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