Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
