The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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