I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
