I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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