My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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