I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
