My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
