Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
