he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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