literally had 100 drinks last night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
