Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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