i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish you could order shots online.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
