saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
