thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I need to calm my uterus...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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