then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
