Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
