Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
