He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
