mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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