FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
