I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
