I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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