ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
