If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
