you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
