Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.