Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
