umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Randomize
