im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i came on her dog
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
