well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
