Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
