I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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