my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
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Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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