i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
