Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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