I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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