Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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