things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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