i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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