i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
