dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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