after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I love you. Go after that dick
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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