I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
