I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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