naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
