Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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