My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
