This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
