Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize