What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
As shirtless as possible
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
