True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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