My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
