now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I queefed so loud it echoed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
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I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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