Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So many bounce houses so little time
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
