Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
