I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
