this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
