Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
